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#1 Saturday, June 16, 2012 21:07:32

AllDayKade28471
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Writing Reviewer & Editor

I need a Writing Reviewer & Editor to review and edit my Story. Any body want to help?

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Saturday, June 16, 2012 21:07:32

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#2 Saturday, June 16, 2012 21:12:23

mythbusteranimator
From: Hiding from the FBI.
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

Which story is it?


http://i45.tinypic.com/2zspqas.png

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#3 Sunday, June 17, 2012 01:36:44

AllDayKade28471
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

mythbusteranimator wrote:

Which story is it?

Fighting Jeff. It's very long. Do you want to edit it, and review it?

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#4 Sunday, June 17, 2012 02:13:58

Mokat
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

How long exactly is it?


Don't tell me to get a life-- Everyone knows that's never gonna happen. :P

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#5 Sunday, June 17, 2012 03:00:27

AllDayKade28471
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

Mokat wrote:

How long exactly is it?

Like... Long. I don't know how many words excactly.

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#6 Sunday, June 17, 2012 12:55:44

mythbusteranimator
From: Hiding from the FBI.
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Posts: 660
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

AllDayKade28471 wrote:

Mokat wrote:

How long exactly is it?

Like... Long. I don't know how many words excactly.

I've never reviewed it, but I can tell you what I liked and didn't like.


http://i45.tinypic.com/2zspqas.png

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#7 Sunday, June 17, 2012 19:56:38

funelephant
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

I could do it, depending on how long ._.


We found this tube of glue stuck to your... uh... anyways, you can only use glue sticks now.
http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/90000/3000/900/93946/93946.strip.zoom.gif

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#8 Sunday, June 17, 2012 20:11:36

mythbusteranimator
From: Hiding from the FBI.
Registered: Monday, June 11, 2012
Posts: 660
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

Can you give a link?


http://i45.tinypic.com/2zspqas.png

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#9 Monday, June 18, 2012 22:04:53

AllDayKade28471
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

I'll post it soon. All of you can edit &/or review it for me. :)

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#10 Monday, June 18, 2012 22:06:17

AllDayKade28471
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

Fighting Jeff

     In a town named Rusty Lake, there was a boy named Jeff. Jeff was about twelve years old. He dwelled with his Dad and his Sister. His Mom died in a tragic car accident a few years ago.     
One day, when Jeff was walking to school with his best friend Sam, Sam noticed a snake on the road! It was about two feet long, if not, more! Jeff thought it was a Rattlesnake, but Sam thought it was a Musketeer. Musketeers were very common in the Rusty Lake area. They were normally about two feet long. They are very poisonous. The snake snapped at Jeff, and bolted away. “That was freaky!” Jeff yelped. “Yeah! We better get to school. Fast!” Sam screamed in a terrified voice.
When they arrived at school, they ran into Seaweed, the school bully. Jeff tried to pass him, but Seaweed grabbed him! He tried to escape, but Seaweed was way too burly. Jeff could feel Seaweed’s freezing cold hands on his pale neck. Then, as he heard the bell ringing, Seaweed rapidly scampered with Jeff and shoved him into a locker! Thank God it was Sam’s locker, or else he would have been late for Math. In Math class they did a pop quiz. Of course, Sam got 100% just like every other quiz, but Jeff wasn’t the sharpest knife in the droor. He only got around 60% on the quiz. 
Later that day, when they were having dinner, his Dad, Bob, asked, “So what time is your Basketball try-outs?”
Jeff replied, “Uh, 4’o clock tomorrow.”
“Okay, Suzie’s babysitter will have to take you then.”  His sister, Suzie, yelped with a content smile, “Yeah! Anna’s coming!”
“You like her, don’t you?” Bob said grinning.
“Yeah! She’s the best babysitter in the whole world!” Suzie replied.
That Saturday when Jeff woke up, he had eggs, bacon, and apple juice. After his devine breakfast, he bolted out the door. While he was rapidly running to school, he tripped over a rock and got a titanic bruise on his knee. After school he had one hour to get ready for the try-outs. When he arrived at the Middle School for the try-outs he noticed a horde of 8th graders, but not many 7th graders. That was good because Coach would only let four 7th graders on the team. When he got to the Basketball try-outs, he walked in and sat on the bench waiting for the try-outs to start.
Coach started talking, he said with a loud voice, “There’s going to be Multiple Scrimmages.” As Coach faced the biggest 8th grader, Seaweed, he smiled. It almost looked like an evil smile. Jeff was frightened about the smile, and Seaweed. When Coach blew the whistle, Jeff rapidly bolted off the bench. Coach explained, “Okay, we are now going to scrimmage. All of the 7th graders travel to the left half of the court and all the 8th graders journey to the right side of the court.” So, Jeff did what he was told. He wanted to be the point guard in the scrimmage, but Billy got the role.  Billy was really fast, but he can’t make his shots. They started playing for a little while and then Jeff got a little dizzy. He asked Coach if he could stay out for a couple of minutes, but Coach wouldn’t let him. Coach just yelled, “Come on! Get back in the game! You’re not tired already, are you?”
Jeff replied, “No, sir.”
“Okay, good. Nice job out there, Billy!” he said, staring into to Billy’s eyes. He got back in the game, but now he was feeling very dizzy, like he was sick with the flu. He just decided to bolt home. As he was running up the driveway, he saw Anna, the babysitter, coming to his house. He just ignored the car and ran up to his bedroom. He didn’t want to tell anybody about the dizziness, so, he didn’t.
Later that night Bob wondered, “Did you make the team, son?” Jeff didn’t answer. He was to busy thinking about the dizziness he had at the try-outs. That next morning, he was worried. He thought in his head, What is Coach gonna say to me? Will he be mad? But when he arrived at school, Coach was standing right in the doorway, and Jeff just walked right passed him. Coach didn’t even notice. After he walked in the doorway, he saw Sam. Sam couldn’t make it to the try-outs because he had to go with his whole family to San Francisco for the day.
Rusty Lake was right next to San Francisco. It was only about thirty minutes away. Sam ran up to him and whispered, “Dude! Where did you go? Coach got so mad at you!”
Jeff didn’t want to answer, but he said, “I wasn’t feeling good. Did he really get mad? I just saw him and he didn’t say anything to me.”
“Well, he did. He was yelling at the 7th graders and stuff. I thought he was about to expel you, man. You’re one lucky kid.”
“Okay, I got to get going.” And off he went to Gym class.     
When he got home from school, he noticed it was quiet in the house.
He yelped, “Hello! Anybody home?” No one answered. He wasn’t real scared, he just thought he would sit down and watch some TV before they come back. After a couple of hours went by, they still were not home. He looked at the clock and noticed it was six-thirty, just about the time they all ate dinner together. He got up from the couch and thought he would make his own dinner. The only problem was that he didn’t know how to make anything. As he franticly searched the fridge, he found some chicken nuggets that were microwavable.
“Perfect!” he yelled. He sat down and chomped on the chicken nuggets. After he finished, he decided to go take a nap to kill some time. When he woke up, it was nine-thirty! He bolted up off of the couch and ran up to his room. His room was the perfect thinking place. He thought about his dad and his sister. He wondered, “What had happened? Have they got in a car accident? Are they okay?” All those things going threw his mind and all of a sudden, he fainted! Right their in his own bedroom! He dreamed about a polar bear flying on a rainbow. It was the weirdest dream he had ever had. When he woke up, he found himself on the floor of his bedroom. He walked downstairs to the kitchen table, ready for breakfast, but breakfast wasn’t there like it always was. He thought to himself, “They’re still not here yet? I thought for sure they would be here by today!” and skipped to the kitchen to obtain some breakfast. He had to think really hard about what day it was. It’s hard remembering stuff when you have so much going on in your life. He gave up thinking and just went upstairs to see the calendar. He looked and it appeared to be gone. He didn’t pack lunch like he usually does, so he decided to just go with normal cafeteria food. When he arrived at school, no one was there, no cars or anything. He thought to himself, “What the heck?” and he scampered off home. He wanted to know what day it was, but how? Then he thought of the perfect idea! He was going go to the Library to ask somebody there! He bolted to the Library and when he arrived there, there was about five cars. He opened the door and carefully walked to the library worker. He slowly said, “Um, Miss.”
She said, “What my dear?” with a smile.
He replied, “Do you know what day it is?”
And she answered, “Well, its Sunday, honey.”
His jaw dropped wide open. He then thought himself, I was asleep for three days!
He said, “Thank you.” To the worker and headed out. As he headed out, he saw a lady talking to an old man. He listened carefully as she said, “Did you hear about the horrible accident?”
The old man replied, “Yeah, I heard it was a Father and a daughter heading to Dance practice.”
Then he walked closer on the conversation and heard the lady say, “Yeah, people are still talking about it and it was week ago! On Thursday!” He then began to sob, thinking it was his sister and his dad.  But after he was done, he remembered the woman say, “On Thursday.” That couldn’t have been because that was the day he noticed nobody was home and the lady say,  “A week ago.” That means that he was asleep for a week! He then bolted home, letting a few tears out because he felt lonely. He had to find his Dad and Sister. Where could they possibly be? He then traveled to Sam’s house to tell him what all had happened. He arrived at the door and began knocking. No body answered. He knocked a few more times, and finally Sam answered. Sam looked quite said, and said, “Hello, what do you want?” Jeff replied, “Uh, do you know where my Dad and Sister went? They are not home, and I looked everywhere around the town. “Dude, you didn’t hear? They crashed into a house on the way to Dance practice. They’re now in the hospital.” Jeff began weeping. He didn’t know what to do. He just felt like throwing up. After he was done sobbing, he bolted. He didn’t know where he was going, he just wanted everything to go back to normal. He wanted to see his father again. After all that running, he began to get tired. He was about a mile away from his house. Right next to the Ice Cream Shop and the Campground. His wallet only had about twenty dollars in it, so he went and got himself an ice cream cone. He was starving. “Man, running gets you hungry.” Jeff muttered.

                                                 Not finished.....

Any Suggestions, or advice? :D

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#11 Monday, June 18, 2012 22:14:57

funelephant
Registered: Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Posts: 1114
FunCoinz: 468
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

*writing a memo to read that later because I am looking all around the forums*


We found this tube of glue stuck to your... uh... anyways, you can only use glue sticks now.
http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/90000/3000/900/93946/93946.strip.zoom.gif

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#12 Tuesday, June 19, 2012 03:23:21

AllDayKade28471
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

So, can anybody edit & review that? ^

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#13 Tuesday, June 19, 2012 03:25:49

funelephant
Registered: Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Posts: 1114
FunCoinz: 468
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

I can start Wednesday! :D

(Tomorrow I'm going to LegoLand, so you 2 mods are in charge.)


We found this tube of glue stuck to your... uh... anyways, you can only use glue sticks now.
http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/90000/3000/900/93946/93946.strip.zoom.gif

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#14 Tuesday, June 19, 2012 03:34:01

AllDayKade28471
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Posts: 146
FunCoinz: 114
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

funelephant wrote:

I can start Wednesday! :D

(Tomorrow I'm going to LegoLand, so you 2 mods are in charge.)

Great! :D

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#15 Thursday, June 21, 2012 02:18:10

AllDayKade28471
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Posts: 146
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

So, can anybody else Edit & Review it?

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#16 Thursday, June 21, 2012 12:14:40

mythbusteranimator
From: Hiding from the FBI.
Registered: Monday, June 11, 2012
Posts: 660
FunCoinz: 547
Bank: 28
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Website

Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

I thought it was a good story. It could be a bit more detailed; I thought the events rushed together sort of. But, I would like to see you post some more of it...the story was pretty interesting! :D


http://i45.tinypic.com/2zspqas.png

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#17 Thursday, June 21, 2012 15:22:48

AllDayKade28471
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Registered: Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Posts: 146
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

mythbusteranimator wrote:

I thought it was a good story. It could be a bit more detailed; I thought the events rushed together sort of. But, I would like to see you post some more of it...the story was pretty interesting! :D

Thanks! Do you mind high-lighting what I need to work on?

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#18 Thursday, June 21, 2012 22:03:22

mythbusteranimator
From: Hiding from the FBI.
Registered: Monday, June 11, 2012
Posts: 660
FunCoinz: 547
Bank: 28
Reputation :   
Website

Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

AllDayKade28471 wrote:

Fighting Jeff

     In a town named Rusty Lake, there was a boy named Jeff. Jeff was about twelve years old. He dwelled with his Dad and his Sister. His Mom died in a tragic car accident a few years ago.     
One day, when Jeff was walking to school with his best friend Sam, Sam noticed a snake on the road! It was about two feet long, if not, more! Jeff thought it was a Rattlesnake, but Sam thought it was a Musketeer. Musketeers were very common in the Rusty Lake area. They were normally about two feet long. They are very poisonous. The snake snapped at Jeff, and bolted away. “That was freaky!” Jeff yelped. “Yeah! We better get to school. Fast!” Sam screamed in a terrified voice.
When they arrived at school, they ran into Seaweed, the school bully. Jeff tried to pass him, but Seaweed grabbed him! He tried to escape, but Seaweed was way too burly. Jeff could feel Seaweed’s freezing cold hands on his pale neck. Then, as he heard the bell ringing, Seaweed rapidly scampered with Jeff and shoved him into a locker! Thank God it was Sam’s locker, or else he would have been late for Math. In Math class they did a pop quiz. Of course, Sam got 100% just like every other quiz, but Jeff wasn’t the sharpest knife in the droor (I think it should be "drawer"). He only got around 60% on the quiz. 
Later that day, when they were having dinner, his Dad, Bob, asked, “So what time is your Basketball try-outs?”
Jeff replied, “Uh, 4’o clock tomorrow.”
“Okay, Suzie’s babysitter will have to take you then.”  His sister, Suzie, yelped with a content smile, “Yeah! Anna’s coming!”
“You like her, don’t you?” Bob said grinning.
“Yeah! She’s the best babysitter in the whole world!” Suzie replied. Since you added that part, maybe you should add a little bit more detail about the sitter.

That Saturday when Jeff woke up, he had eggs, bacon, and apple juice. After his devine breakfast, he bolted out the door. While he was rapidly running to school, he tripped over a rock and got a titanic bruise on his knee (This seems a little random, like you were trying to add too much detail. Does it play a larger part in the story? (Like his myterious sickness?), because if it does, I think it works. But if it doesn't play more of a part, it doesn't seem to fit.)detail, for now. After school he had one hour to get ready for the try-outs. When he arrived at the Middle School for the try-outs he noticed a horde of 8th graders, but not many 7th graders. That was good because Coach would only let four 7th graders on the team. When he got to the Basketball try-outs, he walked in and sat on the bench waiting for the try-outs to start.
Coach started talking, he said with a loud voice, “There’s going to be Multiple Scrimmages.” As Coach faced the biggest 8th grader, Seaweed, he smiled. It almost looked like an evil smile. Jeff was frightened about the smile, and Seaweed. When Coach blew the whistle, Jeff rapidly bolted off the bench. Coach explained, “Okay, we are now going to scrimmage. All of the 7th graders travel to the left half of the court and all the 8th graders journey to the right side of the court.” So, Jeff did what he was told. He wanted to be the point guard in the scrimmage, but Billy got the role.  Billy was really fast, but he can’t make his shots. They started playing for a little while and then Jeff got a little dizzy. He asked Coach if he could stay out for a couple of minutes, but Coach wouldn’t let him. Coach just yelled, “Come on! Get back in the game! You’re not tired already, are you?”
Jeff replied, “No, sir.”
“Okay, good. Nice job out there, Billy!” he said, staring into to Billy’s eyes. He got back in the game, but now he was feeling very dizzy, like he was sick with the flu. He just decided to bolt home.Maybe add more detail about his run home, such as the thought going through his head? As he was running up the driveway, he saw Anna, the babysitter, coming to his house. He just ignored the car and ran up to his bedroom. He didn’t want to tell anybody about the dizziness, so, he didn’t.
Later that night Bob wondered, “Did you make the team, son?” Jeff didn’t answer. He was to busy thinking about the dizziness he had at the try-outs. That next morning, he was worried. He thought in his head, What is Coach gonna say to me? Will he be mad? But when he arrived at school, Coach was standing right in the doorway, and Jeff just walked right passed him. Coach didn’t even notice. After he walked in the doorway, he saw Sam. Sam couldn’t make it to the try-outs because he had to go with his whole family to San Francisco for the day.
Rusty Lake was right next to San Francisco. It was only about thirty minutes away. Sam ran up to him and whispered, “Dude! Where did you go? Coach got so mad at you!”
Jeff didn’t want to answer, but he said, “I wasn’t feeling good. Did he really get mad? I just saw him and he didn’t say anything to me.”
“Well, he did. He was yelling at the 7th graders and stuff. I thought he was about to expel you, man. You’re one lucky kid.”
“Okay, I got to get going.” And off he went to Gym class.     
When he got home from school, he noticed it was quiet in the house.
He yelped, “Hello! Anybody home?” No one answered. He wasn’t real scared, he just thought he would sit down and watch some TV before they come back. After a couple of hours went by, they still were not home. He looked at the clock and noticed it was six-thirty, just about the time they all ate dinner together. He got up from the couch and thought he would make his own dinner. The only problem was that he didn’t know how to make anything. As he franticly searched the fridge, he found some chicken nuggets that were microwavable.
“Perfect!” he yelled. He sat down and chomped on the chicken nuggets. After he finished, he decided to go take a nap to kill some time. When he woke up, it was nine-thirty! He bolted up off of the couch and ran up to his room. His room was the perfect thinking place. He thought about his dad and his sister. He wondered, “What had happened? Have they got in a car accident? Are they okay?” All those things going threw his mind and all of a sudden, he fainted! Right their in his own bedroom! He dreamed about a polar bear flying on a rainbow. It was the weirdest dream he had ever had. When he woke up, he found himself on the floor of his bedroom. He walked downstairs to the kitchen table, ready for breakfast, but breakfast wasn’t there like it always was. He thought to himself, “They’re still not here yet? I thought for sure they would be here by today!” and skipped to the kitchen to obtain some breakfast. He had to think really hard about what day it was. It’s hard remembering stuff when you have so much going on in your life. He gave up thinking and just went upstairs to see the calendar. He looked and it appeared to be gone. He didn’t pack lunch like he usually does, so he decided to just go with normal cafeteria food. When he arrived at school, no one was there, no cars or anything. He thought to himself, “What the heck?” and he scampered off home. He wanted to know what day it was, but how? Then he thought of the perfect idea! He was going go to the Library to ask somebody there! He bolted to the Library and when he arrived there, there was about five cars. He opened the door and carefully walked to the library worker. He slowly said, “Um, Miss.”
She said, “What my dear?” with a smile.
He replied, “Do you know what day it is?”
And she answered, “Well, its Sunday, honey.”
His jaw dropped wide open. He then thought himself, I was asleep for three days!
He said, “Thank you.” To the worker and headed out. As he headed out, he saw a lady talking to an old man. He listened carefully as she said, “Did you hear about the horrible accident?”
The old man replied, “Yeah, I heard it was a Father and a daughter heading to Dance practice.”
Then he walked closer on the conversation and heard the lady say, “Yeah, people are still talking about it and it was week ago! On Thursday!” He then began to sob, thinking it was his sister and his dad.  But after he was done, he remembered the woman say, “On Thursday.” That couldn’t have been because that was the day he noticed nobody was home and the lady say,  “A week ago.” That means that he was asleep for a week! He then bolted home, letting a few tears out because he felt lonely. He had to find his Dad and Sister. Where could they possibly be? He then traveled to Sam’s house to tell him what all had happened. He arrived at the door and began knocking. No body answered. He knocked a few more times, and finally Sam answered. Sam looked quite said, and said, “Hello, what do you want?” Jeff replied, “Uh, do you know where my Dad and Sister went? They are not home, and I looked everywhere around the town. “Dude, you didn’t hear? They crashed into a house on the way to Dance practice. They’re now in the hospital.” Jeff began weeping. He didn’t know what to do. He just felt like throwing up. After he was done sobbing, he bolted. He didn’t know where he was going, he just wanted everything to go back to normal. He wanted to see his father again. After all that running, he began to get tired. He was about a mile away from his house. Right next to the Ice Cream Shop and the Campground. His wallet only had about twenty dollars in it, so he went and got himself an ice cream cone. He was starving. “Man, running gets you hungry.” Jeff muttered.

                                                 Not finished.....

Any Suggestions, or advice? :D

I highlighted some suggestions. I'm not a great reviewer (or storywriter, on that subject), but those are some of the things I saw. I still like the story a lot, though!


http://i45.tinypic.com/2zspqas.png

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#19 Thursday, June 21, 2012 22:28:05

funelephant
Registered: Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Posts: 1114
FunCoinz: 468
Bank: 462
Reputation :   

Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

A few typos, I'll highlight them later. Maybe introduce the characters a little more.


We found this tube of glue stuck to your... uh... anyways, you can only use glue sticks now.
http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/90000/3000/900/93946/93946.strip.zoom.gif

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#20 Thursday, June 21, 2012 23:11:15

AllDayKade28471
Outstanding Member
Registered: Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Posts: 146
FunCoinz: 114
Bank: 21
Reputation :   

Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

mythbusteranimator wrote:

AllDayKade28471 wrote:

Fighting Jeff

     In a town named Rusty Lake, there was a boy named Jeff. Jeff was about twelve years old. He dwelled with his Dad and his Sister. His Mom died in a tragic car accident a few years ago.     
One day, when Jeff was walking to school with his best friend Sam, Sam noticed a snake on the road! It was about two feet long, if not, more! Jeff thought it was a Rattlesnake, but Sam thought it was a Musketeer. Musketeers were very common in the Rusty Lake area. They were normally about two feet long. They are very poisonous. The snake snapped at Jeff, and bolted away. “That was freaky!” Jeff yelped. “Yeah! We better get to school. Fast!” Sam screamed in a terrified voice.
When they arrived at school, they ran into Seaweed, the school bully. Jeff tried to pass him, but Seaweed grabbed him! He tried to escape, but Seaweed was way too burly. Jeff could feel Seaweed’s freezing cold hands on his pale neck. Then, as he heard the bell ringing, Seaweed rapidly scampered with Jeff and shoved him into a locker! Thank God it was Sam’s locker, or else he would have been late for Math. In Math class they did a pop quiz. Of course, Sam got 100% just like every other quiz, but Jeff wasn’t the sharpest knife in the droor (I think it should be "drawer"). He only got around 60% on the quiz. 
Later that day, when they were having dinner, his Dad, Bob, asked, “So what time is your Basketball try-outs?”
Jeff replied, “Uh, 4’o clock tomorrow.”
“Okay, Suzie’s babysitter will have to take you then.”  His sister, Suzie, yelped with a content smile, “Yeah! Anna’s coming!”
“You like her, don’t you?” Bob said grinning.
“Yeah! She’s the best babysitter in the whole world!” Suzie replied. Since you added that part, maybe you should add a little bit more detail about the sitter.

That Saturday when Jeff woke up, he had eggs, bacon, and apple juice. After his devine breakfast, he bolted out the door. While he was rapidly running to school, he tripped over a rock and got a titanic bruise on his knee (This seems a little random, like you were trying to add too much detail. Does it play a larger part in the story? (Like his myterious sickness?), because if it does, I think it works. But if it doesn't play more of a part, it doesn't seem to fit.)detail, for now. After school he had one hour to get ready for the try-outs. When he arrived at the Middle School for the try-outs he noticed a horde of 8th graders, but not many 7th graders. That was good because Coach would only let four 7th graders on the team. When he got to the Basketball try-outs, he walked in and sat on the bench waiting for the try-outs to start.
Coach started talking, he said with a loud voice, “There’s going to be Multiple Scrimmages.” As Coach faced the biggest 8th grader, Seaweed, he smiled. It almost looked like an evil smile. Jeff was frightened about the smile, and Seaweed. When Coach blew the whistle, Jeff rapidly bolted off the bench. Coach explained, “Okay, we are now going to scrimmage. All of the 7th graders travel to the left half of the court and all the 8th graders journey to the right side of the court.” So, Jeff did what he was told. He wanted to be the point guard in the scrimmage, but Billy got the role.  Billy was really fast, but he can’t make his shots. They started playing for a little while and then Jeff got a little dizzy. He asked Coach if he could stay out for a couple of minutes, but Coach wouldn’t let him. Coach just yelled, “Come on! Get back in the game! You’re not tired already, are you?”
Jeff replied, “No, sir.”
“Okay, good. Nice job out there, Billy!” he said, staring into to Billy’s eyes. He got back in the game, but now he was feeling very dizzy, like he was sick with the flu. He just decided to bolt home.Maybe add more detail about his run home, such as the thought going through his head? As he was running up the driveway, he saw Anna, the babysitter, coming to his house. He just ignored the car and ran up to his bedroom. He didn’t want to tell anybody about the dizziness, so, he didn’t.
Later that night Bob wondered, “Did you make the team, son?” Jeff didn’t answer. He was to busy thinking about the dizziness he had at the try-outs. That next morning, he was worried. He thought in his head, What is Coach gonna say to me? Will he be mad? But when he arrived at school, Coach was standing right in the doorway, and Jeff just walked right passed him. Coach didn’t even notice. After he walked in the doorway, he saw Sam. Sam couldn’t make it to the try-outs because he had to go with his whole family to San Francisco for the day.
Rusty Lake was right next to San Francisco. It was only about thirty minutes away. Sam ran up to him and whispered, “Dude! Where did you go? Coach got so mad at you!”
Jeff didn’t want to answer, but he said, “I wasn’t feeling good. Did he really get mad? I just saw him and he didn’t say anything to me.”
“Well, he did. He was yelling at the 7th graders and stuff. I thought he was about to expel you, man. You’re one lucky kid.”
“Okay, I got to get going.” And off he went to Gym class.     
When he got home from school, he noticed it was quiet in the house.
He yelped, “Hello! Anybody home?” No one answered. He wasn’t real scared, he just thought he would sit down and watch some TV before they come back. After a couple of hours went by, they still were not home. He looked at the clock and noticed it was six-thirty, just about the time they all ate dinner together. He got up from the couch and thought he would make his own dinner. The only problem was that he didn’t know how to make anything. As he franticly searched the fridge, he found some chicken nuggets that were microwavable.
“Perfect!” he yelled. He sat down and chomped on the chicken nuggets. After he finished, he decided to go take a nap to kill some time. When he woke up, it was nine-thirty! He bolted up off of the couch and ran up to his room. His room was the perfect thinking place. He thought about his dad and his sister. He wondered, “What had happened? Have they got in a car accident? Are they okay?” All those things going threw his mind and all of a sudden, he fainted! Right their in his own bedroom! He dreamed about a polar bear flying on a rainbow. It was the weirdest dream he had ever had. When he woke up, he found himself on the floor of his bedroom. He walked downstairs to the kitchen table, ready for breakfast, but breakfast wasn’t there like it always was. He thought to himself, “They’re still not here yet? I thought for sure they would be here by today!” and skipped to the kitchen to obtain some breakfast. He had to think really hard about what day it was. It’s hard remembering stuff when you have so much going on in your life. He gave up thinking and just went upstairs to see the calendar. He looked and it appeared to be gone. He didn’t pack lunch like he usually does, so he decided to just go with normal cafeteria food. When he arrived at school, no one was there, no cars or anything. He thought to himself, “What the heck?” and he scampered off home. He wanted to know what day it was, but how? Then he thought of the perfect idea! He was going go to the Library to ask somebody there! He bolted to the Library and when he arrived there, there was about five cars. He opened the door and carefully walked to the library worker. He slowly said, “Um, Miss.”
She said, “What my dear?” with a smile.
He replied, “Do you know what day it is?”
And she answered, “Well, its Sunday, honey.”
His jaw dropped wide open. He then thought himself, I was asleep for three days!
He said, “Thank you.” To the worker and headed out. As he headed out, he saw a lady talking to an old man. He listened carefully as she said, “Did you hear about the horrible accident?”
The old man replied, “Yeah, I heard it was a Father and a daughter heading to Dance practice.”
Then he walked closer on the conversation and heard the lady say, “Yeah, people are still talking about it and it was week ago! On Thursday!” He then began to sob, thinking it was his sister and his dad.  But after he was done, he remembered the woman say, “On Thursday.” That couldn’t have been because that was the day he noticed nobody was home and the lady say,  “A week ago.” That means that he was asleep for a week! He then bolted home, letting a few tears out because he felt lonely. He had to find his Dad and Sister. Where could they possibly be? He then traveled to Sam’s house to tell him what all had happened. He arrived at the door and began knocking. No body answered. He knocked a few more times, and finally Sam answered. Sam looked quite said, and said, “Hello, what do you want?” Jeff replied, “Uh, do you know where my Dad and Sister went? They are not home, and I looked everywhere around the town. “Dude, you didn’t hear? They crashed into a house on the way to Dance practice. They’re now in the hospital.” Jeff began weeping. He didn’t know what to do. He just felt like throwing up. After he was done sobbing, he bolted. He didn’t know where he was going, he just wanted everything to go back to normal. He wanted to see his father again. After all that running, he began to get tired. He was about a mile away from his house. Right next to the Ice Cream Shop and the Campground. His wallet only had about twenty dollars in it, so he went and got himself an ice cream cone. He was starving. “Man, running gets you hungry.” Jeff muttered.

                                                 Not finished.....

Any Suggestions, or advice? :D

I highlighted some suggestions. I'm not a great reviewer (or storywriter, on that subject), but those are some of the things I saw. I still like the story a lot, though!

Thanks! I changed some stuff... Do you have any suggestions on how I should keep the story going? I'm kind of stuck...

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#21 Thursday, June 21, 2012 23:11:46

AllDayKade28471
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

funelephant wrote:

A few typos, I'll highlight them later. Maybe introduce the characters a little more.

Okay, what should I say about the charecters? And where should I say it?

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#22 Thursday, June 21, 2012 23:39:12

funelephant
Registered: Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Posts: 1114
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

AllDayKade28471 wrote:

funelephant wrote:

A few typos, I'll highlight them later. Maybe introduce the characters a little more.

Okay, what should I say about the charecters? And where should I say it?

When they first come in the story, just explain them and their personality a little bit :)


We found this tube of glue stuck to your... uh... anyways, you can only use glue sticks now.
http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/90000/3000/900/93946/93946.strip.zoom.gif

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#23 Friday, June 22, 2012 15:06:08

AllDayKade28471
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

funelephant wrote:

AllDayKade28471 wrote:

funelephant wrote:

A few typos, I'll highlight them later. Maybe introduce the characters a little more.

Okay, what should I say about the charecters? And where should I say it?

When they first come in the story, just explain them and their personality a little bit :)

Okay. :)

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#24 Friday, June 22, 2012 15:08:36

mythbusteranimator
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Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

AllDayKade28471 wrote:

mythbusteranimator wrote:

AllDayKade28471 wrote:

Fighting Jeff

     In a town named Rusty Lake, there was a boy named Jeff. Jeff was about twelve years old. He dwelled with his Dad and his Sister. His Mom died in a tragic car accident a few years ago.     
One day, when Jeff was walking to school with his best friend Sam, Sam noticed a snake on the road! It was about two feet long, if not, more! Jeff thought it was a Rattlesnake, but Sam thought it was a Musketeer. Musketeers were very common in the Rusty Lake area. They were normally about two feet long. They are very poisonous. The snake snapped at Jeff, and bolted away. “That was freaky!” Jeff yelped. “Yeah! We better get to school. Fast!” Sam screamed in a terrified voice.
When they arrived at school, they ran into Seaweed, the school bully. Jeff tried to pass him, but Seaweed grabbed him! He tried to escape, but Seaweed was way too burly. Jeff could feel Seaweed’s freezing cold hands on his pale neck. Then, as he heard the bell ringing, Seaweed rapidly scampered with Jeff and shoved him into a locker! Thank God it was Sam’s locker, or else he would have been late for Math. In Math class they did a pop quiz. Of course, Sam got 100% just like every other quiz, but Jeff wasn’t the sharpest knife in the droor (I think it should be "drawer"). He only got around 60% on the quiz. 
Later that day, when they were having dinner, his Dad, Bob, asked, “So what time is your Basketball try-outs?”
Jeff replied, “Uh, 4’o clock tomorrow.”
“Okay, Suzie’s babysitter will have to take you then.”  His sister, Suzie, yelped with a content smile, “Yeah! Anna’s coming!”
“You like her, don’t you?” Bob said grinning.
“Yeah! She’s the best babysitter in the whole world!” Suzie replied. Since you added that part, maybe you should add a little bit more detail about the sitter.

That Saturday when Jeff woke up, he had eggs, bacon, and apple juice. After his devine breakfast, he bolted out the door. While he was rapidly running to school, he tripped over a rock and got a titanic bruise on his knee (This seems a little random, like you were trying to add too much detail. Does it play a larger part in the story? (Like his myterious sickness?), because if it does, I think it works. But if it doesn't play more of a part, it doesn't seem to fit.)detail, for now. After school he had one hour to get ready for the try-outs. When he arrived at the Middle School for the try-outs he noticed a horde of 8th graders, but not many 7th graders. That was good because Coach would only let four 7th graders on the team. When he got to the Basketball try-outs, he walked in and sat on the bench waiting for the try-outs to start.
Coach started talking, he said with a loud voice, “There’s going to be Multiple Scrimmages.” As Coach faced the biggest 8th grader, Seaweed, he smiled. It almost looked like an evil smile. Jeff was frightened about the smile, and Seaweed. When Coach blew the whistle, Jeff rapidly bolted off the bench. Coach explained, “Okay, we are now going to scrimmage. All of the 7th graders travel to the left half of the court and all the 8th graders journey to the right side of the court.” So, Jeff did what he was told. He wanted to be the point guard in the scrimmage, but Billy got the role.  Billy was really fast, but he can’t make his shots. They started playing for a little while and then Jeff got a little dizzy. He asked Coach if he could stay out for a couple of minutes, but Coach wouldn’t let him. Coach just yelled, “Come on! Get back in the game! You’re not tired already, are you?”
Jeff replied, “No, sir.”
“Okay, good. Nice job out there, Billy!” he said, staring into to Billy’s eyes. He got back in the game, but now he was feeling very dizzy, like he was sick with the flu. He just decided to bolt home.Maybe add more detail about his run home, such as the thought going through his head? As he was running up the driveway, he saw Anna, the babysitter, coming to his house. He just ignored the car and ran up to his bedroom. He didn’t want to tell anybody about the dizziness, so, he didn’t.
Later that night Bob wondered, “Did you make the team, son?” Jeff didn’t answer. He was to busy thinking about the dizziness he had at the try-outs. That next morning, he was worried. He thought in his head, What is Coach gonna say to me? Will he be mad? But when he arrived at school, Coach was standing right in the doorway, and Jeff just walked right passed him. Coach didn’t even notice. After he walked in the doorway, he saw Sam. Sam couldn’t make it to the try-outs because he had to go with his whole family to San Francisco for the day.
Rusty Lake was right next to San Francisco. It was only about thirty minutes away. Sam ran up to him and whispered, “Dude! Where did you go? Coach got so mad at you!”
Jeff didn’t want to answer, but he said, “I wasn’t feeling good. Did he really get mad? I just saw him and he didn’t say anything to me.”
“Well, he did. He was yelling at the 7th graders and stuff. I thought he was about to expel you, man. You’re one lucky kid.”
“Okay, I got to get going.” And off he went to Gym class.     
When he got home from school, he noticed it was quiet in the house.
He yelped, “Hello! Anybody home?” No one answered. He wasn’t real scared, he just thought he would sit down and watch some TV before they come back. After a couple of hours went by, they still were not home. He looked at the clock and noticed it was six-thirty, just about the time they all ate dinner together. He got up from the couch and thought he would make his own dinner. The only problem was that he didn’t know how to make anything. As he franticly searched the fridge, he found some chicken nuggets that were microwavable.
“Perfect!” he yelled. He sat down and chomped on the chicken nuggets. After he finished, he decided to go take a nap to kill some time. When he woke up, it was nine-thirty! He bolted up off of the couch and ran up to his room. His room was the perfect thinking place. He thought about his dad and his sister. He wondered, “What had happened? Have they got in a car accident? Are they okay?” All those things going threw his mind and all of a sudden, he fainted! Right their in his own bedroom! He dreamed about a polar bear flying on a rainbow. It was the weirdest dream he had ever had. When he woke up, he found himself on the floor of his bedroom. He walked downstairs to the kitchen table, ready for breakfast, but breakfast wasn’t there like it always was. He thought to himself, “They’re still not here yet? I thought for sure they would be here by today!” and skipped to the kitchen to obtain some breakfast. He had to think really hard about what day it was. It’s hard remembering stuff when you have so much going on in your life. He gave up thinking and just went upstairs to see the calendar. He looked and it appeared to be gone. He didn’t pack lunch like he usually does, so he decided to just go with normal cafeteria food. When he arrived at school, no one was there, no cars or anything. He thought to himself, “What the heck?” and he scampered off home. He wanted to know what day it was, but how? Then he thought of the perfect idea! He was going go to the Library to ask somebody there! He bolted to the Library and when he arrived there, there was about five cars. He opened the door and carefully walked to the library worker. He slowly said, “Um, Miss.”
She said, “What my dear?” with a smile.
He replied, “Do you know what day it is?”
And she answered, “Well, its Sunday, honey.”
His jaw dropped wide open. He then thought himself, I was asleep for three days!
He said, “Thank you.” To the worker and headed out. As he headed out, he saw a lady talking to an old man. He listened carefully as she said, “Did you hear about the horrible accident?”
The old man replied, “Yeah, I heard it was a Father and a daughter heading to Dance practice.”
Then he walked closer on the conversation and heard the lady say, “Yeah, people are still talking about it and it was week ago! On Thursday!” He then began to sob, thinking it was his sister and his dad.  But after he was done, he remembered the woman say, “On Thursday.” That couldn’t have been because that was the day he noticed nobody was home and the lady say,  “A week ago.” That means that he was asleep for a week! He then bolted home, letting a few tears out because he felt lonely. He had to find his Dad and Sister. Where could they possibly be? He then traveled to Sam’s house to tell him what all had happened. He arrived at the door and began knocking. No body answered. He knocked a few more times, and finally Sam answered. Sam looked quite said, and said, “Hello, what do you want?” Jeff replied, “Uh, do you know where my Dad and Sister went? They are not home, and I looked everywhere around the town. “Dude, you didn’t hear? They crashed into a house on the way to Dance practice. They’re now in the hospital.” Jeff began weeping. He didn’t know what to do. He just felt like throwing up. After he was done sobbing, he bolted. He didn’t know where he was going, he just wanted everything to go back to normal. He wanted to see his father again. After all that running, he began to get tired. He was about a mile away from his house. Right next to the Ice Cream Shop and the Campground. His wallet only had about twenty dollars in it, so he went and got himself an ice cream cone. He was starving. “Man, running gets you hungry.” Jeff muttered.

                                                 Not finished.....

Any Suggestions, or advice? :D

I highlighted some suggestions. I'm not a great reviewer (or storywriter, on that subject), but those are some of the things I saw. I still like the story a lot, though!

Thanks! I changed some stuff... Do you have any suggestions on how I should keep the story going? I'm kind of stuck...

I dunno. I'm not that great of a writer. :P


http://i45.tinypic.com/2zspqas.png

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#25 Friday, June 22, 2012 18:45:16

funelephant
Registered: Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Posts: 1114
FunCoinz: 468
Bank: 462
Reputation :   

Re: Writing Reviewer & Editor

mythbusteranimator wrote:

AllDayKade28471 wrote:

mythbusteranimator wrote:


I highlighted some suggestions. I'm not a great reviewer (or storywriter, on that subject), but those are some of the things I saw. I still like the story a lot, though!

Thanks! I changed some stuff... Do you have any suggestions on how I should keep the story going? I'm kind of stuck...

I dunno. I'm not that great of a writer. :P

Yeah, me neither


We found this tube of glue stuck to your... uh... anyways, you can only use glue sticks now.
http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/90000/3000/900/93946/93946.strip.zoom.gif

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